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Chapter One
“I had sex again last night. This time with Mr. Walden
three rooms down.”
I didn’t want to hear this. God, I didn’t want to hear
this. We strolled down the produce aisle at the
Grocery Guru and I grabbed a peach, pretending to check
its damage.
“I do have to say, he wasn’t nearly as proficient in bed
as Mr. Nickels was last month...Jessica Davis, are you
even listening to me?”
Okay, obviously feigning indifference wasn’t going to
work with her. “Yes, I’m listening, Grams. You had sex
with Mr. Walden.”
My grandma gave a quiet harrumph and shot me a skeptical
look. “It just doesn’t make sense, Jessie. Surely if
someone my age can have a healthy sex life, then someone
as virile as you should be getting some too.”
Getting some?
Argh! When would she quit?
My friends seemed to think it was great that I had a
grandma who was still comfortable with her own sexuality
and even acted on it. But being on the receiving end of
constant sex stories and talks about improving one’s
love life just wasn’t as fabulous.
“You know, there’s this young man who works in the
Peaceful Woods cafeteria.” She gave me a thoughtful look
and I could practically hear the wheels in her head
turning. “You should let me introduce you to him. He
seems young and healthy. Why, I bet he’d have wonderful
stamina.”
Okay, surely she wasn’t talking about the pimply-faced
kid who’d just turned twenty-one a few months ago. I’d
been there when the entire community of senior citizens
had thrown him an impromptu party. Brought him balloons
shaped like beer bottles, a bag of condoms, and then
pinned a button on his shirt that said, “Trust me, I’m
legal.”
“Maybe you’ve seen him? His name’s Andy. Red hair,
pretty blue eyes...”
Yup. She was definitely talking about the kid. I wasn’t
sure why my grandma was so determined to set me up, but
for God’s sake, couldn’t she pick someone who wasn’t a
decade younger than me?
“Hey, grab me a couple of those avocados, Jessie, and
make sure they’re squishy. I don’t like them too hard.”
She poked me in the ribs with her cane and guffawed.
“Well, my fruit that is.”
Could this have sucked a little more? I mean, I loved my
grandma. But, seriously, there was a line and Grams was
fabulous at crossing it.
“Anyway, Jessie. I have a favor to ask you.”
“Another one? I’m still trying to recover from the last
one.” Chaperoning a dance full of senior citizens. I
swear there was something in the water at Peaceful
Woods, because the folks there were the horniest batch
of AARP members I’d ever seen.
“What’s up, Grams?”
“Do you remember the Buy a Dame auction that
happens every summer?”
Yuck. How could I forget?
The auction was a notorious fundraiser that the town put
on every August to raise money for the public schools.
Women dressed up in revealing clothing and paraded in
front of the single male population on Leaf Island.
Overall, it was a bit sleazy, with the highest bidder
getting to keep the woman for twenty-four hours. The men
loved it, and the women who were within the age of
participation usually scrambled to get in.
Technically, it was supposed to be rather innocent. Just
cooking, cleaning, and a woman to take out on the
town—there were no sexual expectations. But I knew for a
fact more than one woman had met their husband that way.
You gotta love life in small towns. Thank God I was too
old for that kind of pony show, though.
“Jessie, I’m the one hard of hearing, not you. Answer
me, girl. You remember that auction?”
I smiled at the produce boy who was arranging the
apples, and ignored the annoyance that prickled through
me. “I remember it. What’s going on?”
“We’re short girls this year.”
Ah, I’d forgotten Grams was on the committee. Had Leaf
Island never had the auction? What would they do if they
were short women? Would they cancel it? Though I hated
the auction itself, I knew the money went to a good
cause. “Are you going to have to cancel?”
“No. I want you to go up for auction.”
I clenched my fingers around the red apple I was loading
into a plastic bag. Surely, I heard that wrong. But just
in case I hadn’t: “I’m too old, Grams.”
“Bah!” She rolled her eyes. “I spoke to the committee
and they’re willing to make an exception for you. You’re
thirty-one so you only missed the cutoff by one year.
You’re pretty enough—have good skin. And you could
probably pass for twenty-nine.”
Pretty enough? I bristled. “I don’t think so, Grams. You
know I love you and would do almost anything for you.
But I draw the line at you pimping me out for auction.”
“Oh, Jessie...” Her lips started to tremble and she
shook her head. “Think of the children. The school
district has already gone through most of their allotted
budget, and if—”
“All right.” Jeez, she sure knew where my guilt button
was. I adored kids, and thoroughly planned on popping
some of my own out. Grams knew that all too well. “I
suppose I could do it. When is it?” The moment the words
left my mouth I regretted them. Why? Why had I just
agreed to do it?
“Wonderful! I figured you’d say yes, so I signed you up.
The auction is tonight down at the senior center.”
My stomach clenched, my hands got sweaty. I didn’t even
have time to be pissed that she’d already signed me up.
“Tonight? I couldn’t possibly be ready by tonight.”
“Sure you could. I have an appointment booked at Betty’s
Beauty Boutique in a half hour. She’s going to give you
a manicure, pedicure, and wax your eyebrows.”
“Wax my eyebrows?” Heat spread up into my face. Oh God.
I’d never even taken tweezers to those suckers. And now
she wanted to dump hot wax on them before ripping them
off my face?
“You know, I changed my mind, Grams. This really isn’t
my thing. I’m not auction material—I’m an accountant for
God’s sake.”
“Of don’t be silly, Jessie.” Grams straightened to her
whole five foot one height and glared up at me. “You
have the potential to be a beautiful woman who knows how
to have fun. And it’s about time you realize it.”
Potential to be beautiful? I glanced at the mirrored
walls above the bananas. Was I so bad to begin with? My
brown hair wasn’t too exciting, but it was long and it
had never garnered any complaints. I had contacts if I
chose to wear them, but glasses were just way easier.
“Come on, girl, my ice cream is melting. And we need to
get you to Betty.”
And just like that, my night —possibly the next two
days—were lined up for me.
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